-

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 17:04:18 GMT

also
i met someone
who reminds me very much of quintus
ewwwwwwieeeeee

except he's nicer? maybe

i meet too many people
no one ever lasts very long
i steal hearts
and drop them in the street

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 17:01:34 GMT

my poor adolescent body needs much more sleep! i am sleeping in class too often! my body aches from muscle tension! everything stinks! my life is hell! yaayyyy.

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 00:50:17 GMT

for once, please
maybe it will work out for a little bit.

this one's different.
less narcissism, more quiet.

i need some quiet lately.

funny how it happens after i stop angsting.

Tue, 04 Nov 2003 03:37:19 GMT

too too tired.
long days; long nights; long everythings.
i am wanting something to look forward to that is not a show or a movie or some event or outing. maybe i am wanting to look forward to a person? who knows. that is stupid. so am i. so are you.

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 05:39:14 GMT

i'm afraid to go home
because i'm afraid my mom is going to look older.

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 04:56:47 GMT

the summer i turned fourteen
there was a very brief period
when i had this undescribable feeling
or describable only in what it wasn't.

not-innocence
not-naivete
not-happiness
not-universal understanding
not-everything's going to be okay

i just want to know what it was.

Sat, 23 Aug 2003 14:37:46 GMT

heartsick and headsick and monkeysick and friendsick and momsick and everythingsick.

Mon, 21 Jul 2003 06:11:32 GMT

i hate the nightly ritual of opening the medicine, most of all, because it seems that all of those pills never do what they're supposed to. no magical recovery, no all-better-now. i'm not sure that she's even better than before the surgery. i should ask.

Fri, 18 Jul 2003 06:51:01 GMT

foomf.
today it would be a good idea to disappear.

Thu, 17 Jul 2003 02:55:14 GMT

goodness!
(good news!)

i think one my students likes my class enough that she's not afraid of bringing a friend along next week! or else she wouldn't risk boring her friend to tears, would she?

Mon, 14 Jul 2003 18:39:07 GMT

i am almost moving to pittsburgh!
in 36 days!

that is too soon :(
because i will miss monkey
and my mom is not 100% better

but i am excited
because i got a planner
and it is a stylish grey plaid
and the orientation packet says:

"welcome class of 007: the world is not enough"

they might actually be stylish there
but 30% of the undergrads are engineering students.

i am sorry to be a slow fishmaker.
i will mail all the fish before i leave!

Tue, 01 Jul 2003 01:53:02 GMT

all of us, we thought that she'd be better (than this) by now

read all of atlas shrugged, finally
maybe i'll send one to someone anonymously,
which taggart are you, sir?

(scratch sir, there's no need to pretend politeness to that parasite anymore)

Tue, 24 Jun 2003 04:34:28 GMT

oh oh oh
mom is going to the hospital again
on wednesday

oh i don't know what to do

Mon, 23 Jun 2003 04:16:41 GMT

i don't like having him on my aim list because i don't like to see his away messages because usually they're something that indicates he's just out doing bad things to his body and i don't like that one bit.

also, not having his name on the list makes him easier to ignore.

Wed, 18 Jun 2003 08:34:28 GMT

at the after dinner i, the goddaughter, was introduced to someone's coworker as the girl who skipped a couple grades. this one guy says: emotionally you're only fifteen and you'll be going to school two, three, four years older than you -- and i say but i've been going to school with these people for years and he says but you'll be on your own and i had to bite my tongue but i would have said thanks for the patronization, mister! if it hadn't been right after the funeral because what the fuck kind of person is presumptuous enough to assume knowledge of an absolute stranger's emotional state and capacity for adjustment? talk about a complete lack of manners. as if i didn't have enough people advising me who actually have a clue.

incidentally they did use the funeral portrait that they had picked last week.

Wed, 18 Jun 2003 07:10:53 GMT

the funeral was sad. quelle surprise. the gold-painted stone slab they put atop her had a character (which i've seen before) that was symmetrical on both the y and the x axis and today it struck me as beautiful.

overhanging everything was 'how will i know how to do all this?' terrible thought. mom knows all the ritual and it's not just because she's a product of china in a geographical sense; not even her siblings know as much.

oh that is too much

Thu, 12 Jun 2003 01:34:59 GMT

when we were visiting a grandmalady[1] over her deathbed they held funeral portraits and asked our opinions even as she was still sentient. it was scary and strange to see 1922-2003 even though she is not yet gone (but as we know -- surely she shan't live out the year.) also very rude because she still knows what is happening.

[1] it is the nature of the chinese to have many grandmaladies; it is the nature of paulines to have many grand maladies

Mon, 02 Jun 2003 04:40:25 GMT

i forgot to take pictures of his face.

i'm telling you, he's all nose.

Mon, 02 Jun 2003 02:01:49 GMT

sadness!
kevin is gone
he hates it when i call him little kevin
but knows that i respect him as an equal

Sun, 01 Jun 2003 06:43:33 GMT

done done done
no more high school

Fri, 30 May 2003 05:51:14 GMT

dear such-and-such deity(/ies),

i know that i've been selfish, petty, materialistic, overwhelmingly negative and mean-spirited lately, but i did recognize that a bit ago, and yes, i'm really sorry that i've let these negative tendencies take over my life, and i really am trying to be a better person, but was i really so bad that you had to take my photo binder away from me? it's not like i didn't spend hours producing those hundreds of negatives and making those prints.

signed,
pauline

Thu, 29 May 2003 10:58:53 GMT

the stupid headmaster's pet is going to speak LAST at graduation. pauline is feeling severely dissed.

only two more weeks until i have darkroom access. twooo more weeks. shoot shoot shoot. print print print.

Sun, 25 May 2003 23:43:28 GMT

rane disappointed me the other day as one who i expected to be a fair person because her first response to the speech dilemma was "i like her."

not, mind, because she likes the girl -- but because not once in our entire conversation did she concede that the decision to have a 3rd student speaker (WHO IS THE HEADMASTER'S PET) was made in poor, partisan judgment and absolute horseshit -- a year ago it may have been different, but now i am not so sure.

pah. butler is on my side, even if we are weak and powerless in the wesnerian fiefdom.

Fri, 23 May 2003 21:29:12 GMT

good: china mièville's the scar, $5.
bad: staying up all night to work on paper and still being sugar high on energy drinks. who would have known to go to purp for homework help?

assorted: holy fuck, just realized that i have less'n three months before i move to pittsburgh. anna's watercolor of herself looks like a squashed fairy, composition wise. wanna take nude faceless photographs of people. wanna go travelling a little bit. feel like drawing squashed fairies in marker and pencil. need a brand new pack of markers. must finish novel by end of less'n three months.

Mon, 19 May 2003 23:32:17 GMT

also

everyone told me that i was lying
when i said: ANNA HAS A BUM!
even those who do not know anna